Embarrass Your Family Before They Embarrass You: 10 Ways Artists Can Make the Holidays Awkward
Are you sick and tired of your family making the holidays super awkward by bringing up issues and points that you’d rather not discuss? Well then, take the bull by the horns, as they say, and make things awesomely and horribly awkward all by yourself before they can do it for you!
Check out these 10 ways that artists can make the holidays awkward:
1. Start every conversation with how much – or rather, how little – you made this year.
2. Top off the first step by telling your family how much super successful artists make compared to you.
3. Present each (adult) family member with a present that is a nude rendering of them created by you.
4. Tell your family that you’re focusing on portraits … done by your genitals like artist Brent Ray Fraser.
5. Make a list of everyone you grew up with who is more successful than you (in any way) and keep it ready to present to each family member who wants to know how much people your age have done while you haven’t.
6. Come up with nicknames for each family member that reflect your true feelings about them and not only call them by that name, but also let that person know that it’s the inspiration for your latest piece. Perhaps “Uncle Pit Stains” or “Cousin Cheap Toupee” or “Great Granny Halitosis”.
7. Show up wearing a mime outfit and spend the entire visit staying in character. Whether or not you want to let them believe this is your new job is up to you.
8. Purposefully bring up government arts funding with your most right-wing family member.
9. Loudly announce that you’ll be taking on more unpaid, volunteer work and will be concentrating less on making a stable income.
And the tried and true…
10. Bring enough alcohol to get everyone (of legal age) completely plastered.